Make Me Laugh Monday: a Puppy Tale

So, again, I've been delinquent posting. Its not cause I don't love you. Or because there is nothing interesting going on here. No.

We have a puppy.

She is cute. She is my shadow.

She pees when she sees us.

Every morning, when we let her out of her crate, we maneuver her onto a newspaper as she exits.
As each child comes down the stairs...yup, you guessed it, we have to strategically greet her on a paper.
When the Hubs comes BACK downstairs, now dressed in suit and tie...yup, you guessed it.

Don't even talk to me about people at the door. We greet them with a hand towel, since we shove her onto the stoop to pee, and sometimes it happens to be on their feet.

Don't come to my house in sandals. Wellies are a better choice.

She IS golden. She yowls at us when she needs to go outside to do her business. We have actually had very few accidents inside the house. (Except on my beloved Walter E Smithe "-with-an-e" area rug in the living room. We had a bad day in there....) She slept through the night after the second night here, and we left her for a few hours this weekend to go to a neighboring festival, and she didn't wee in her crate. She isn't chewing on anything, but maybe that is because I haven't sat down in a week, and we play with her until she collapses in a heap on the sofa our laps  her bed.

Its stress-inducing enough, having a puppy, let alone living in a rental and trying to keep it in pristine condition with two children under 6 (and when you have renters with dogs - plural - in YOUR house back home, and you can only imagine what they have done to the laundry room where they were stored - they didn't get out much).  And I am, shall I say, more than a bit of a Type A personality. Oh, heck, I'm more anxious than Woody Allen. On Prozac.

I have had more than a few nights of "what the f@*% did I just do???" I did have a moment or two of contemplation of returning her to my friend, the breeder. She did offer.... (Hint: do NOT take on a puppy if you suffer from severe PMS. I'm just sayin'....)

I have ordered a cordless sweeper, since I'm a bit of a neat freak, and seeing grass on the kitchen and hallway floors about makes me break out in hives, and my vacuum weighs about 80 pounds, and the puppy thinks "chasing the broom" is a cool game to play with Mommy. I'm looking at steam floor cleaners online, too. Just 'cause.

But at the end of the day, she curls up on my lap, or on her bed in the sitting room, we look at her adoringly...until she farts.

She is still cute, but from a distance.

Make me Laugh Monday - the Buzz Cut

Last weekend, the Hubs came home from the barber. With a buzz cut.
Not a flat top.

Just an all-over buzz. 

It makes him look about 15. With a 40-something face. And grey hair.

When I posted this picture on Facebook, my Dad commented that he'd drawn mustaches and beards on the picture, and no, that didn't make him look any older.

So, I had to see for myself.

He was right.

This one doesn't make him look older.

Nope.

Nope, not here, either.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it grows out! I told him that he should have gotten a flat-top, but he thought it would make him look like Simon Cowell even more!

But, nah.

Ok.

Maybe.

Make Me Laugh Monday - Timing is everything

And THAT, my friends, is the story of my life....

Everything goes exactly according to plan in this house....NOT.

Parking ticket? Whoops, forgot about it just in time to be ONE day late for the "pay within 10 days" deadline.

Ordering Funfetti cake mix for Pea's birthday cake? Oh, I have plenty of time...wait...her birthday is tomorrow???? Well, shit.

For me, its simple disorganization. Oh, I run my cousin's life in an orderly manner. I get her to the airport, to the meeting, to the hotel.

So why, for the love of all that is good, does this not work for me?

To make matters worse, my soon-to-be-4-year-old, affectionately nicknamed "Pokey-hontas", functions in a reality and time zone completely separate to the one I live in. So while poor Boo sits at the door, hat and coat on, bookbag in hand, anxious to get to school...Pea is deciding that she doesn't like the outfit she has, no, she doesn't want to wear socks either....is that a birdie?...and only then do I realize that my car is completely coated in frost and needs to be scraped.

We do not function like a well-oiled machine here.

We're more like the Gremlin your granny drove.

Which will explain why I'll be blogging about our trip to Tenerife shortly, and backdating it so you THINK you are reading things in order....

Make me Laugh Monday - How to tell when bananas go bad

I don't think anything more can be said!

Make Me Laugh Monday - A love song and giggle

Hey, I love a good country love song as much as the next gal.

Well, I've found a new one. Its stuck in my head, and being the vindictive - er - sharing gal that I am, I figure it should be stuck in your head, too.

Yes, I may be juvenile, but its funny. Tell me you didn't laugh at this. You will.
Really!

You think its an exaggeration - but its snot.

Make Me Laugh Monday - Redneck Tank Top

I've been off the radar for JennyontheSpot's Make Me Laugh Monday, but when showing The Hubs the following (yet another hilarious email forwarded from my Dad) I knew I had to post it. Anything that makes his laugh until tears form as he snorts is worth sharing.... and he is a redneck in disguise.

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This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama Wal-Mart, where the young lady was shopping at the Flea market.

Look at it closely.

Now I ask you...Who stands and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says "hummmm...I can make me a nice summer top from these!!"

On the other hand...$6 for a three pack is a good price!!

But.....what if they weren't bought new? That's redneck recycling at its best:
"Don't throw out yer feller's drawers when the skidmarks don't wash out no more. Just cut the crotch out and wear 'em. "

How very Green!

For more Monday giggles, check out JennyontheSpot's blog post. Ok, so its "adult humor".
Occasionally, I do qualify as an adult.

Make Me Laugh Monday - Literal Video

Last night, when I should have been packing/sorting/cleaning my kitchen/something productive, I was instead surfing the internet. I had a true purpose, but as usually happens when googling, one harmless link led to another blog and I ended up on a website with a link to this video on YouTube.

For those of us who were children of the '80's and lived on MTV, you will remember "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler. Yes, it was a great song to belt from the car as we were barrelling down backroads in my friend Christie's Dodge station wagon.

However, like much of the videos from that era, it was, well, darn weird. So, for a totally different take on things, here is a literal take on what is actually going on in the video.

If you are a laugh until you pee person, take a moment for a potty break - go ahead, the video will be here when you come back. If you don't, well, don't say I didn't warn you.



Sheer genius! I hope you enjoyed!

Make Me Laugh Monday - "Yeah, what she said"

I've just learned that mah girl Jenny has announced that today is the last official "Make Me Laugh Monday" and I'm all beklempt. But...she's a busy girl and so I won't ride her too much for breaking my heart into a million little pieces and stepping on my fun with her red glitter sneakers. Nope, not gonna do that...

But I will make one final contribution to MMLM, as a contribution to her, the most awesome Jenny that I know. (Not that all Jen, Jenns and Jenny's aren't awesome, but she is like the Queen of Awesome).

So, in honor of Jenny, I offer you this:

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Now, I'm sure my husband would say that women are born talkers (and then point to my mother, or his, as his reference point). Regis and Kathy Lee have nothin' on my daughter in the mindless chatter department - and heaven help us, she is only three.

Now, I will admit that both of my children - boy and girl - talked early and often.

But this girlie? Man, do I feel for her parents.

Whahuh? Did you catch any of that? I was as dumbfounded - and laughing as hard, if not harder, than the daddy-guy in the vid. She is adorable - but lordy, she can talk.

So if your Monday has been long, with people talking at you and not to you (like my two did today) or saying things that you don't need to hear (but that's another post entirely), just remember - at some point, they STOPPED.

You can find JennyontheSpot's last MMLM blog post here. Happy Monday to the rest of you, me - I'm just going to go mourn and have another drink or spoonful of frosting to cheer myself up...(sniff, sniff)

Make Me Laugh Monday - Swine Flu (or, Hamthrax, as I'm now calling it!)

If its not talk about the recession, its the Swine Flu. I don't know whether to be irritated or amused, to be honest. "Well, the best way to prevent it is to wash your hands" or "Sneeze into your sleeve".

I mean, with all the hype about it, that is the best they can come up with? My kids are 3 and 5 and can manage that much. (We call it "Doing the Elephant", thanks to a nifty song by the Jimmies, by the way. Check it out - its catchy!)

So on one hand, there is mass stupidity. I overhear people say "I'm not eating at a Mexican restaurant" or avoiding public transportation. HOWEVER...it has presented prime fodder for great puns/jokes. (i.e., "Southwest Airlines has quit distributing blankets due to the threat of spreading swine flu. Puts a whole new spin on "pig in a blanket, doesn't it?)

Since it IS "Make Me Laugh Monday", I have to share my favorite so far, featuring Piglet and Pooh:






























"Oh, bother".

In the meantime, don't be kissin' no pigs. I like to live on the dangerous side, so if you need me, I'll be eating bacon tacos at the Mexican place down the street. Just have to figure out how to eat around this darn mask.

Make me Laugh Monday

I'll admit, I've been a total slacker the past week with regards to updating the blog, but in my defense, the hubs was in Wales. WALES! He was gone for 7 days, which is a few days too many. We've had tantrums galore (which Pea has attributed to "Daddy is gone and I am mad"), a whiny Boo, and a gloriously overtired mom. So suffice it to say, a little humor is sorely needed.

However, I'm struggling today to find anything remotely funny that happened the past week. (But, hecks, I'm happy to have had a SHOWER in the past week, so that shouldn't be much of a surprise.)

So as I'm sitting at my desk, pondering a topic, I see the postcard from the gynie. Yup, its time for my semi-annual checkup. (Yes, ladies, I get this delightful treat TWICE a year.)

Which led me to this hilarious post at The Onion, titled: Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There.

Although, for clarification for those who know me, in OUR house, the "Hooha" is the remote control, not the, um, girl parts down there. Just to clear up any confusion on the Hoo-ha doctor. Pea just refers to the girl parts as "Mah butt".

Whatever.


For more Monday Laughs, head on over to mah girlfriend Jenny on the Spot (and her Magical Mr. Linky.) Which has nothing to do whatsoever with a hoo-ha.

Make Me Laugh Monday - Poop Jokes

As I'm still functioning under a haze of antibiotics, antihistamines, expectorants, decongestants, anti-depressants, Princess Glitter nail polish fumes and coffee, I'm stealing yet another yuk from my dear old Dad's endless stream of email jokes.

This one is particularly relevant to our household on so many levels, where my five year old is as regular as Old Faithful, and has no hesitation yelling "I gotta poop" as he runs through the kitchen to the powder room. Actually, he has no shame at all when it comes to bodily functions: he has a tendency to announce "Mommy, I have to POOP" louder than necessary, wherever we are, particularly if we are at Costco (at a table, eating hot dogs), the grocery store, or at a restaurant (specifically, 30 seconds after the waiter delivers our meal to the table.)

And, being a perfectionist like his mother and father, he doesn't trust his own skills in the wiping department. So after he's done his bizness, he'll yell "Mom, I'm ready" -- and assume the position: hands on the toilet seat, bent over, heiney presented.

Honestly. Just ask cousin Sarah, who was the lucky girl to take him to the bathroom at Red Robin last week - yes, 30 seconds after her burger was delivered to the table. I think she was a bit shaken - that should be sufficient birth control for a few more years for her.....

So, without further delay (yes, shut up Jenn):


A little three year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says "Billy, are you all right? you've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm ok, Mommy. I just haven't pooped yet."

Mom says, "Ok, you can stay there a few more minutes...but, Billy - why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy replies, "Well, Mommy, it works for ketchup!"

Jenny's Make Me Laugh Monday

I thought I'd join in on Jenny on the Spot's challenge for Make Me Laugh Monday (since its been one doozy of a day!) I was going to post about my kids (surprise) until I came across a picture on another blog that just cracked me up.

As someone who is NOT a fan of Valentine's Day, this had Coke Zero coming out my nose!

Ok, so maybe I didn't get a lot of valentines in elementary school.

But I was the smartest, and I'm not bitter, so there!